August 10, 2007

My last day of work, five weeks before Ellie was born. I was due back at work in London no later than August 8, 2008. I thought I would never last that long on maternity leave.

Then we moved to Baltimore, where working in my field is not an option, and I realized I kind of liked staying home. Our new life here allowed us to afford it, at least for a while, and the time slipped away from me. I set a new goal at when Ellie turned 1, and that day came and went.

And then one day, in early October, I found myself dying to go back to work. To get a new (or any, really!) haircut, to wear nice(r) clothes, to feel like an adult again really. To make decisions, to write things, to--shoot me now--go to meetings.

At the same time, I felt Ellie was ready for more stimulation than I alone could provide her. She revels in her time with other children, and though we do music classes, swim lessons, and playgroup (each once a week), it's not enough really, for either of us.

I started to feel panicky by the weight of these momentous decisions and then realized that she wasn't even weaned from nursing before nap times yet. When I tried dropping both her nap time feeds at once, I got sick, like I was pregnant. So I dropped one feed and then we went on a trip and the other effortlessly fell away.

I told myself I'd start looking for jobs and childcare once she was down to one nap a day instead of two. And then her two naps started to meld into one long one, and my friends assured me that daycare would take care of her new schedule.

I thought I might wait until she is walking or talking, but she is nearing 14 months now and though full sentences are a ways off, walking is just around the corner. Besides, I think I'll be able to tell if my baby's unhappy without her telling me in so many words.

So I decided to call a daycare I'd heard good things about and try to get on their waiting list. They had an opening on November 1. Nooo, I said, I can't do that. They said they'd take her mid-month and prorate it. I said I'd look at the place but probably pass on the November slot. And then we took a look and loved it with its beautiful water views and two playgrounds (one indoor and one out) and when Ellie said, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" and excitedly clapped her hands every time the door was opened to a new classroom, the deal was sort of sealed.

Yan quickly agreed to the (prohibitively expensive) cost once I explained that she would be in a new, smaller classroom (six kids) and that this way we could ease her in a few hours at a time rather than dropping her off for 40-plus hours per week from the very first.

So, my little girl starts "school" on November 17, and I? I have to find a job during possibly the worst recession of our young lives. I've sent out seven resumes so far and gotten no response (one little nibble for an ad agency that asked to see samples and then promptly lost my number--guess they  weren't impressed). I'm hoping I can dig up some freelance work from a few of my old agencies and a friend has thrown a few small leads my way. I really need to find something full-time but if I can just make a dent in the childcare cost, we'll be in decent shape.

It's kind of amazing to think that I'm blowing up my family's stable little system just so I can indulge myself by going back to work. But I feel like I have to. My big fear is that when Ellie and her (hypothetical) sibling tromps off to college, I will have nothing left. And though I know rationally that this is not true, it is what I want. So, here we go. Jump and a net will appear, yes?

No?

On that note, anybody need a copywriter-for-hire?

Comments

[Mara]

We've all been there. It's easy to feel "selfish" for going back to work, especially if work barely or not quite covers the cost of daycare. But remember these things:

-if you are unhappy, your daughter will be unhappy

-working, even for peanuts, is an investment for the future. Even if you don't make enough money right now, the sooner you return to the workforce the sooner you will command a higher salary. And if you wait until, say, the little one is in school, think of the pittiful wage you'll be offered then?

-as a working mother you will be a role model for your daughter. Not superior to the role model you'd be as a full time mom, but just a different kind of role model.

We've ALL been there. As you know, I'm still trying to find the balance here in London!

Love, me

[Kate]

I think you are making the right choice for you and your family. Good luck with the job hunt and I hope Ellie settles in well (it sounds like she will have a ball!).

[Marcy]

As you said, this isn't just for you-- it'll also be great for Ellie to have the extra stimulation of being around other children and adults. Besides, you're allowed to be selfish every once in a while. It's important for you to feel fulfilled in what you do, so then you'll have more of yourself to give. Some mothers don't even allow themselves that and the resentment that can build up can be so toxic for the family as a whole.

In short-- by making yourself happy, you are HELPING your family. =)

[Kath]

Dear Kate, congratulations on finding and booking a daycare that Ellie likes! That's great. And as the others have said, try not to feel guilty about doing this -- only you know what's good for you and your family. And if Ellie's happy there, it's a win-win, right? Best of luck with your job search!

[rebecca]

How did this go for you?!? I am in a similar situation now and feeling really torn.