RutRutRutRutRut

As you may have noticed from the above, I am stuck in a rut. I think I've got myself a case of the one-year blues (as in, my baby is one--what I am I doing with my life anyway?). Part of the problem is that I am finding not-quite-toddlerhood much more challenging than I ever found infancy. Because Ellie was an (apparently) unusually easy baby, for the first 10 or 11 months of her life, I actually felt a little like I was getting away with something. I didn't experience (much) sleep-deprivation, and though Ellie was never one of those super mellow, almost supernaturally calm infants, she was mostly happy if there was a boob or spoonful of food in her mouth. On some days, I felt as if I were on an extended vacation--I kept thinking, I don't care what anybody says, this staying-home gig is much easier than working ever was.

But now? Now I am exhausted (you moms with older children, feel free to laugh). Though not yet walking, she is into everything and crawls with lightening speed. She naps less and needs more from me. She is easily frustrated and I honestly feel like there are days when we just need a break from each other. Until recently, I secretly believed that I was still the favorite parent, but Yan is the only recipient of those sweet baby hugs and kisses (clawing and hitting are reserved for me). I don't mind, really I don't--I am the one she turns to if she is hurt, or hungry, or upset--but I wonder if she and I had a little time away from each other, our relationship wouldn't be quite so ... intense. (I'm talking about a one-year-old. Does that sound crazy?) I joked the other day that she and I needed to go to couples therapy. But really, I think a few hours away from each other per week would do wonders for me, and for her.

The other part of the problem is that I am ready to go back to work (post forthcoming). I think at one year, a lot of people look around and decide either to return to work or have another baby. For many, many reasons (including a husband I almost never see, and having no idea where we will land in the next few years--or year, for that matter), I am not ready to have another baby, but I am ready for something more. A woman in the playgroup I attend just  went back to her career and put her child in daycare, and I can't tell you how envious I am (probably also sounds insane). At the same time I am terrified of being trapped in a full-time job I hate and seeing very little of Ellie. I'm worried about rushed mornings and evenings spent trying to get her fed, bathed, and into bed on my own, and weekends spent running errands with very little quality time. It's really the worst possible time to be thinking about going back to work--and that doesn't even take the economy into consideration--but I think I need to do it for me. And yes, I'm looking at part-time and work-from-home options (though to be honest, I am sort of loathe to work from home) though opportunities that pay well enough to cover childcare seem basically non-existent. And to be honest, I prefer to return full-time and perhaps return part-time after we have another child. We'll see.

Not quite sure how to close this ineloquent post ... I think the cure for my problem is action, getting back on the horse, etc, but right now I just feel kind of stuck. Anybody else feel this way?

Comments

[Marcy]

I've also been wondering lately if I should make an effort to have D and I spend a little time apart. B/c of breastfeeding and his refusal of bottles, he's almost always with me, and if I've gotten to get away it's for an hour, tops. That's not gonna change for a while still, but I do wonder if I should work to have him spend a bit of time with Dad instead of me, etc, or with other kids...

[Kath]

Dear Kate, yes, yes, and yes. I can sympathize very intensely with what you describe. There are so many parallels -- the age, the easy babyhood, the growing bad moods -- and I, too, have often thought that it might do me good to get out of the house. I am torn, though, about private (as in in-family) daycare, and it's almost impossible to get a slot in a daycare facility for under-threes here. (And now, even though I consider myself very fortunate, I am occasionally finding myself wondering how I'm going to do with two kids...)

[Keely]

I don't have much to offer as far as going back to work since I've decided to stay home and we have little Finn on the way, but I CAN completely relate to Ellie's and your relationship. I think Ellie and Zoe are very similar in that they were "easy" baby's and adjusting to them in all their toddler glory can be overwhelming sometimes. What I can tell you, is that it gets better. It got better for us. Now instead of hitting, Zoe runs around kissing everything. EVERYTHING meaning me, my hand, the dogs, tables, chairs, my laptop, whatever. And we went through the "Daddy stage" too where I was only good in an emergency. Now, Zoe wants me to go everywhere with her - it's lovely and exhausting all at once. Something that really helps me is sending Zoe to her Cheryl's house once a week so that I can have a break and Zoe can be spoiled by her pseudo grandmother. Now that I'm further along and so tired all the time, she goes on Mondays AND Wednesdays. It's perfect because I get to catch up on things like sleep and errands and she is excited to see me at the end of the day.

Feel free to email me if you ever want to chat. :) You're doing great!

[Lacey Jane]

I think the whole universe is in a rut right now. It sucks so bad for each of us individual ways. I hope you can fight your way out of yours soon!!!

[Lacey Jane]

in* individual ways.

yup. I'm in college.